Put your amazing jokes here


#143

YAWN…


#144

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean; but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ships hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain, during a routine inspection.

“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy .”

" Hmmm…I see," the captain says.

But now her conscience got the best of her, and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

“He certainly is,” replied the captain. – “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”


#145

The Irish Furniture Dealer

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.

After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business…


#146

Overheard in a Wal-Mart Store

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g., “I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter.”

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the ( I kid you not ) following message: “I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance.”


#147

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, “Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?” His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.” “Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!” “What do you mean?” said Dad. “Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.”


#148

On a Saturday morning, Bob is fixing the screen door in the back of his house when he sees that one of the hinges has rotted away and he doesn’t have a replacement.

He calls out to his wife, Sally, and asks her if she wouldn’t mind driving over to their local hardware store to buy a new hinge, and gives her the old one to show the guy behind the counter.

At the hardware store, Sally sees Phil, the owner, behind the counter and shows him the broken hinge - which he says he can easily replace.

Phil asks Sally to wait, while he goes into the back room to find a new hinge.

Phil finds the hinge, and then - while still in the back room - yells out - “Hey Sally, do wanna screw for that ?”

To which Sally yells back - “Ahh - Gee, no Phil. I’ll just pay cash this time if it’s okay with you - but thanks anyway.”


#149

Two Blondes - Lisa & Judy - are nailing shingles onto the roof of their house.
.
As Lisa pulls out the nails from the pouch, every once in a while she looks at one disapprovingly - and just tosses it away.

Finding this to be a bit strange, Judy asks Lisa why she throwing those nails away –

Lisa explains that every so often she picks out a nail from the pouch with the head on the wrong side - so it’s useless…

Judy becomes very annoyed at Lisa and yells at her –

“You idiot – don’t you know that those nails are for the other side of the roof…!!!”


#150


#151


#152


#153

A study came out recently that found out that diarrhea is hereditary. Apparently it “runs in the jeans” LOL :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:


#154

Why can’t you trust a atom

(Because they make up everything) lol​:smile::smile::smile::smile::smile::smile::smile::smile::smile:


#155

Why did the ram run off the side of the mountain?

Because he didn’t see that ewe turn.


#156

A farmer’s wife in Indiana called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called – and that on the few occasions when it did ring, she noticed that her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test equipment, and dialed the woman’s phone.

The phone didn’t ring right away - but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman discovered:

  1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

  2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

  3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current every time someone dialed the number.

  4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

  5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems actually CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


#157

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand Ternary, those who don’t, and those who thought this was a joke about Binary.


#158

I’ve seen this on a T-shirt.


#159

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One’s a scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.


#160

Something websites never recommend to speed up your computer’s boot time:
get something to eat or drink, or use the bathroom, while it starts up


#161

True story:

Woman called me yesterday. She said that her computer would not start and had only a black screen.

I told her to bring it on over and I’d take a look at it.

She arrived about a half hour later. I put it on my workbench and fired it up. Worked perfectly. We discussed what her problem might be at home. was she using a power strip? Was the power strip turned on? She left.

About a half hour later she called back saying it still did not work. I told her to try in a different room that might be on another circuit. Does a lamp plugged into the same outlet work? She answered yes to both. The computer still did not work.

Since it was late she ask if I could come to her house today and see what I could do.

So about noonish off I went to her house, which was out in the country, by the way, When I got there she had it plugged in to the wall directly. I checked the connections to the transformer and computer.

Then I pressed the start button on the laptop and low and behold it started right up.

“OH!”, she exclaimed, “You have to push that little button?”. She thought all you had to do was plug it in and it would run. I know she has used this computer for at least two years, but she did not seem to know about the start button. Perhaps it had always been used with hibernate or sleep.

Any way an easy fix and two fees.


#162

Yup. I’ve also had a client who did not realize she needed to press the power button to turn on her computer.

I had another who did not realize she needed to property shut down her computer: she simply turned off the power switch to turn the computer off, and every day it would start up and run Scandisk. She finally called me to ask why her computer was running Scandisk every time she turned it on. I’m glad she did, because if she had let that go on too much longer, I would have been wiping and re-formatting her drive.