Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. “Englishman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector”, says the Coroner. The DI is taken to the second dead man. “Scotsman, 25, won ten thousand on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” “Nothing unusual here”, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body. “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning. “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. To which the coroner replies : “Thought he was having his picture taken."
Here’s one I got from http://notalwaysright.com/social-notworking-2/35742
(I work on a call floor that supports connections and email for various small ISPs. Often the older customers don’t understand just what our support was limited to.)
Customer: “I signed up for the WHOLE internet, and you didn’t give it to me!”
Me: “Where is it that you’re unable to reach online?”
Customer: “Well, I want to look at this pretty girl’s pictures, but it says I’m not signed up.”
(It takes me quite a while to ferret out that he’s searched for pretty girls, followed a link to a popular social network, but isn’t a member.)
Me: “Sir, signing up for social sites is your own responsibility, not the ISP’s.”
Customer: “That’s outrageous! I paid for the whole thing! I want the whole thing!”
(Although I’m not supposed to, I go ahead and walk him through the process of signing up for an account. It takes about 20 minutes, and he sighs heavily throughout the whole thing.)
Me: “Okay! Now you’re all signed up. Go make some friends!”
Customer: “WHAT?!? THERE’S MORE?! YOU make them be my friends!”
Yes, there’s more! With Pretty Girls Website® Pro, you get automatic friendships, a free Internet, with an account for you on every website! And the username and password are always the same, so you never have to remember more than one!
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return. “What for?” he snapped at the judge. His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s what for!” Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge said, “It’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.” The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words!” A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. “Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.” “&&** off!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money” and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse poop all over her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse poop from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.” “Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a mighty good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.”
Likes cannot express the amount of time I laughed on that second one; almost fell down from my chair, thanks to you.
Eleven new things to ponder:
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
Man is the king of his castle . A king is a ruler. A ruler is 12 inches.
Still think you’re a man?
As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride’s mind:
aisle, altar, hymn.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather
… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
An old man enters a confessional and proudly exclaims, “Father, I have to tell you what happened to me last night. I’m 90 years old, and I made love to two 18-year-old women for eight hours!” The stern priest replies, “That is a sin. I will have to give you a penance.” “Father, you can’t give me a penance.” “Why not?” “Because I’m Jewish.” The perplexed Father asks, “Then why are you telling me?” “I’m telling everyone!”
Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: “Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go…” But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: “Dave, you’re a vet…”
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, ‘‘Well, you’ve been such a good guy, and your invention … the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.’’ Ford thinks to himself about it, and says, ‘‘I want to hang out with God Himself.’’ The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, ‘‘When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?’’ God asks, ‘‘What do you mean?’’ ‘‘Well,’’ says Ford, ‘‘You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There’s too much front end protusion. 2. It chatters way too much at high speeds. 3. Maintenance is extremely high. 4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing. 5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days. 6. The rear end wobbles too much. 7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust. 8. The headlights are usually too small. 9. fuel consumption is outrageous. …just to name a few.’’ ‘‘Hmmm …,’’ replies God, ‘‘Hold on a minute.’’ God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, ''It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can’t hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, “I”, then at his knee, meaning, “need”, then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, “handsaw”. The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ‘‘What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!’’ The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ‘‘I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.’’
Over at the rectory, Father McNulty has a problem, so he calls up his good friend and colleague, Rabbai Goldstein at the synagogue:
“Excuse me Rabbai”, says Father McNulty, “Are you busy right now ? I need to ask you a favor and could use your help here at the church.”
“No problem”, replies Rabbai Goldstein, “I’ll be right over”.
The rabbai arrives, and Father Mcnulty explains that he has to go out for a couple of hours, but apparently they’re short-handed today, and he needs somebody to sit in at the confessional for a couple of hours.
Rabbai Goldstein is understandably a bit surprised by this - as he knows virtually nothing about the process of Catholic confessions.
“Oh it’s nothing really”, says Father McNulty, “Just come sit in with me for a few minutes and I’ll show you how it’s done.”
So the rabbai joins the priest in the confessional; and after a few minutes a man enters the booth.
‘Forgive me Father, for I have sinned’, he says.
“What are your sins my son?”, asks Father McNulty.
“I’ve cheated on my wife”, comes the reply.
‘How many times?’
And the priest dispenses the penance - “Put five dollars in the collection box and say three Hail Mary’s.”
He turns to Rabbai Goldstein and says, “See - it’s easy. Watch, I’ll do another one.”
Soon enough, another man walks in -
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”, he says.
“What are your sins my son?”, asks Father McNulty.
“I’ve cheated on my wife”, says the man.
“How many times?”, asks Father
‘Three times’, replies the man with shame.
‘Put five dollars in the collection box and say three Hail Mary’s.’
So now Father McNulty turns to the Rabbai and says, “See - it’s simple. Your on your own and I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Thanks very much.”
So now the Rabbai is sitting alone in the confessional and, sure enough, a man walk in -
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”, says the man
“Vat are your sins my boy?”, asks Rabbai Goldstein
“I cheated on my wife”, replies the poor guy.
“NU? - How many times did you do this?”, asks the Rabbai
“One time”, replies the man.
After a moment of silence, Rabbai Goldstein replies…
‘Go out and do it two more times. We’re having a sale this week – three for five dollars.’
Scientific Time-Shift Paradox
Although this isn’t a Joke, it’s very funny… read post #1 in the thread below.
Also not a joke, just extracts from the BBC World Service:
Warning: above link is NSFW. Funny as hell (am I supposed to get this at my age?) be NSFW.
Confirmed that the post 2 commens up is NSFW.
Can’t confirm that it’s funny. Most of those jokes were lame, and a few were downright disturbing.
A student played high school football. He was a great running back, but a really poor student.
At graduation, he didn’t have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal agreed, if Dwayne could answer one question correctly, he would give him a diploma.
The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only.
The principal was on the stage and told him to come up. The principal had the diploma in his hand and said, “Dwayne, if you can answer this question correctly I’ll give you your diploma.” Dwayne said he was ready and the principal asked him the question. “Dwayne”, he said, “How much is three times seven?”
He looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The other students began chanting, “Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!”
Then he held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. he said, “I think… I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one.”
A hush fell over the auditorium, and then all the other students began another chant… "Give him another chance!.. Give him another chance
Must have been one of those schools teaching common core where 2+2=5. LOL
My kid’s school uses common core… and never has her math homework had anything like this. I don’t know who came up with the idea that Common Core is deficient or stupid… but if my kid’s school is an example, this is just not true.
Watch a few of these videos about the subject…
No one wants a political discussion here, and since that’s in the rules, I’ll just drop it.
I’ll just ask you to consider that your comment was a political dig at something you are at least partially ignorant of, and that perhaps it’s not appropriate in a forum where we’re specifically asked not to delve in to politics.