Put your amazing jokes here


#103

I must be Blonde!!!
Windows?
On a plane???

Edit: As in-open to throw out something.


#104

It was a Cessna flying from Stockholm to Oslo.


#105

A blond hires a contractor to install a set of replacement windows for her entire house.

The guy does a good job and the blonde is very happy.

A month later, she receives a bill, which she ignores and tosses in the trash.

Subsequent follow-up invoices are treated the same way - and now it’s been over twelve months.

Finally, the contractor calls the blonde, demanding his money.

“I don’t understand why you’re asking ME for money” she says.

“What are you talking about?”, the guy replies incredulously.

“Well, don’t you remember?”, she retorts - "You said that after the first year, the windows would pay for themselves!"


#106

Four blondes went to the bar in their pick-up.
Three sat up in the cab and one sat in the bed of
the truck. The three blondes are in the bar for
about an hour before the fourth finally comes in,
looking frustrated.
They ask, 'What took you so long?'
She responds, ‘Well, I had trouble getting the
tail gate open!’


#107

Camel Cigarettes

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke
of Camel cigarettes, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1:"What’s that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore
and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age),
but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.


#108

Idiot Brother

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into
a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she
is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother
from Maryland came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!” She asks
the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”


#109

Little Johnny tells his playmate that he is going into the hospital to have his tonsils removed.

On the day he was admitted, his mother asked the Doctor if he could
circumcise him while he was asleep. The Doctor agreed.

Little Johnny woke up and was very sore down
there for several days. After about a week he got to see his playmate again.
The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out
soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery.

Little Johnny replied, “All I can tell you is your tonsils ain’t
where you think they are.” :wink:


#110
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?” Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.” “What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector. “Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom. “What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector. “Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.” “What if the phone was busy?” “In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”. “What if that had been vandalized?” “Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”. This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?” “Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

#111

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work together in a small office for a female boss.

Every day around 3:00 O’clock, the boss leaves early - leaving the three women to work on their own and close up at 5:00 PM.

At lunch one day, the brunette suggests that instead of working until five, they could also leave early - since their boss never comes back, or even calls in after she’s left.

So the next day, the boss leaves as usual at 3:00 - and fifteen minutes later, the three ladies all leave to enjoy some extra free time.

The brunette decided to go to the gym, and the redhead heads out to the mall for some shopping - while the blonde decides simply to head home and relax.

Arriving home, the blonde walks into the front door and heads upstairs to he bedroom. When she reaches the door, she finds it closed, with some strange noises coming from inside – so she very carefully and slowly open the door just a crack and peeks in – only to discover her boss in bed with her husband.

Seeing this, she very quietly and carefully slips the door closed, tip-toes down the stairs and leaves the house.

The next day, the three girls are having lunch as usual, and the brunette and redhead are talking about how much fun they had with their free time - when the redhead says, “Hey - let’s do it again today!”

The brunette says, “Sure, that’s a great idea”.

But the blonde reacts in horror and says, "Oh no!! - Not me – I almost got caught yesterday!"


#112

Moses is asking for his Toes Back!

(I know, I know – It’s as old as Moses Toes and twice as corny)


#113

I agree. LOL…


#114

Reminds me about why Moses never killed those two pesky mosquitoes…

http://subs.johns-jokes.com/thumb/mosquito-on-testicles_thumb.jpg

It is not always necessary to kill a mosquito


#115

Lots of Wisdom/Advice here…
http://www.johns-jokes.com/wisdom/Advice-from-an-old-farmer.html


#116

This is the funniest place I’ve visited in a long time :slight_smile:


#117

Q: Why don’t sharks eat lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.


A vicious, bloodsucking vampire and a lawyer walk in to a bar.
The bartender asks him to leave.


The farmer calls the police to report two dead bodies on the street.
One is a snake; the other is a lawyer.
“How can you tell that one’s a lawyer?” the cop says to the farmer.
“Cuz that one don’t have no skid marks in front of it,” answers the farmer.


#118

I thought for a second you meant a vicious, bloodsucking lawyer…


#119

A lawyer is driving home in his Mercedes SUV when he spots a family of five immigrants - a husband, wife and three children - sitting on a highway median eating the grass.

Curious to learn more, he pulls over and asks the husband what’s going on.

The poor fellow tells the lawyer, "Well you see sir I lost my job, and we are so poor I don’t have enough money to feed my family - so we are here eating the grass.

The lawyer feels sorry for the poor guy, and says to him, “You shouldn’t have to eat this nasty stuff. Come home with me and I’ll give you something better.”

As tears of gratitude roll down their faces, the immigrant family piles into the lawyer’s luxury SUV for the ride back to his home.

They arrive at the lawyer’s beautiful estate, exit the vehicle, and the lawyer says – “Here, now you have this big beautiful, clean lawn, and you can eat all the grass you want without having to worry about the traffic and exhaust fumes.”


#120

A guy walks into a bar, obviously upset about something and in a very bad mood.

He walks up to the bartender and says, “Gimme a shot of whiskey!”

The bartender pours the shot, which the guy drinks in one gulp; then he slams the glass down on the bar and yells, “Gimme another!”

He gets another, and another, and one more.

Finally the bartender says to the guy, “Whoa - slow down buddy. Take it easy. Something’s eating at you - you wanna tell what the problem is ?”

The guy leans over and shouts in the bartender’s face, “The problem? You wanna know what the problem is? I’ll tell you what the problem is. ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES, that’s what the problem is!”

Upon hearing this, another guy, who’s sitting alone at a table at the back of the bar, yells out - “Hey buddy, watch out. I resent that remark!”

The first guy turns around and yells back, “Why - are you a lawyer?”

To which, the guy at the table replies – “No, I’m an asshole.”


#121

Why do you think he asked “Him” to leave?


#122

Q: What do you get a Vampire for Valentine’s day?

A: A box of choclatiers.