Put your amazing jokes here


#204

“I’ve been a very bad girl”, she cooed seductively while biting her lip – “I need to be punished.”

“Very well,” he said, “I have the perfect thing for you!”

– and then he proceeded to install Windows 10 on her laptop.


#205

A buzzard boards an aircraft with two raccoons. The flight attendant says, “Sorry, but you can have only one carryon.”
-p


#206

This is not a joke, this is a famous mathematical problem:grinning:


#207

Reminds me of the old adage about the difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician

You put an engineer at one end of a long hall and a mathematician at the other end. Then you put a beautiful woman in the middle. You tell them they can move toward the woman in increments of half the distance with each move.

The mathematician immediately gives up realizing he can never get there, but the Engineer continues realizing he will get close enough for all practical purposes.


#208

I’m really not perfect.
I was wrong once.
It was back in '61 when I thought I was wrong, but I wasn’t.


#209

A wild land fire in a wheat field goes against the grain.

Or this one…

A stretcher falls off of a fire truck. The CHP gave the driver a ticket for littering.
–P


#210

This is no joke! Today I turned 75 years old. I would like to say, it has been a pleasure to be on the How To Geek Discussion site these last few years and to get to know all of the great regular on the site. What a great bunch of people! So, everyone have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Oh, by the way I don’t feel a day over 105.


#211

Ronnie!

Happy Birthday to you :birthday: :christmas_tree: :gift: :beers:

Thank you for all that you’ve done to help others for all of these years.


#212

Ronnie, Happy Birthday to you!

You don’t look a day older than 105, though. :grinning:

Absolutely, thanks for all your help!
–P


#213

This thread is so fun-3 years already but carpet still move


#214

Top 20 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:

Defensive programming? Never! Klingon programs are always on the offense. Yes, offensive programming is what we do best.
Specifications are for the weak and timid!
This machine is GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!
You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you’ve read it in the original Klingon.
Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
What is this talk of ‘release’? Klingons do not make software ‘releases’. Our software ‘escapes’ leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
Klingon function calls do not have ‘parameters’ - they have ‘arguments’ – and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. Bugs are good for building character in the user.
I have challenged the entire ISO-9000 quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest on the holodeck. They will not concern us again.
A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
Our competitors are without honor!
Python? That is for children. A Klingon Warrior uses only machine code, keyed in on the front panel switches in raw binary.
Klingon programs don’t do accountancy. For that, you need a Ferengi.
Klingon multitasking systems do not support “time-sharing”. When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine.
Perhaps it IS a good day to die! I say we ship it!
My program has just dumped Stova Core!
Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!


#215

Classic, and oh!, so true!
-P


#216

Little Johnny was sitting in his Sunday School class, with this week’s lesson being The Resurrection.

The Priest asked the children if they knew anything about The Resurrection - and little Johnny raised his hand.

“Yes Johnny”, said the Priest. " What can you tell us about the Resurrection ?"

And Johnny replied -

“Well – I know that if you have a resurrection lasting more than four hours, you should call your doctor immediately.”


#217

The story of the Pythagorean Indians

One day the daughter of the chief of the Pythagorean Indian Tribe was about to have a baby. So they decided to build a birthing tent. Since it was the daughter of the chief of the tribe they laid out a special hippopotamus hide for her to have her baby on.

It turns out that there were two other women in the tribe who were also due so they gave them a place in the tent with some horse hides for their comfort.

The day came and each of the common squaws had boys while the daughter of the chief of the Pythagorean tribe had twin boys.

Which goes to prove the theory that the sons of the squaws on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.


#218

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what’s wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM.”

The blonde says,“Don’t worry.”

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?”

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says…

… “Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.”
–P


#219

News from the ever changing world of a Computer Whisperer.


#220

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an App, they’ll start using it!


#221


#222


#223